d i s c o m f o r t in more ways than one

{ January 9, 2007 @ 12:49 am } · { grind, masterbation, mental health, mistakes, prostitution, relationships, Scott, self-love, sex toys }

there’s one particular subject that has been an issue in my relationship with Scott that seems to be completely insurmountable. the worst thing about this subject is that it is a total non-issue to me until Scott brings it up, at which time it becomes the most despised topic i could ever imagine. i hate this subject! even now, just trying to write about it here, i feel my chest and jaw beginning to tighten up, my ears getting warm and my heartbeat beginning to race. i imagine that before i finish this post the urge to scream will have flooded me in waves. the subject causes problems for our personal sex-life and for my work. it also has a negative affect on Scott’s ability to trust my honesty and my ability to confide in him. the thing that i hate most about the subject is the fact that i don’t feel that anything that i have to say about it has any value whatsoever, and the basis of the subject itself is my opinion.

i know the suspense is killing you, so i’ll tell you what subject i’m talking about… simply put, the subject is “cock size,” as in

the cock size most desired, enjoyed, fantasized about, preferred and appreciated by yours truly is _______.

i think this would be a good time to provide an illustration of my preferences, if you don’t mind, but before i do that, it should be known that Scott is not lacking anything that i want or need in the size department. (yes, i do expect that he will be reading this post at some point; no, i am not letting the fact that he will be reading this influence that last statement.)

usually, when i masterbate, i just use my fingers rather than use any type of sex toy. on the (rare) occasions that i reach for assistance, my first and second choices are
.
other options that are within reach include:

(i included my choice number two in that last photo for scale… #2 is about 6 to 7 inches.)

although i have the available option of getting myself off with big, huge and enormous sex toys, 99% of the time, my choice is a toy that is considerably smaller than my actual man is. i make that choice because the big toys are too much for me to enjoy. about a year ago, Scott and i were watching a violation video together, and the girl being violated was taking toys way bigger than any that Scott and i own. he commented on the size of one of them, saying something to the effect of “once someone could manage to take something that big…” and i finished his statement with something like “that’s what you would want all the time” or “you wouldn’t want anything else.” even before i made that statement, while watching that video, Scott had made up his mind that i really like bigger than i say i like; he thinks that the only reasons i ever tell him that i prefer the size i actually do prefer is the fact that being penetrated by anything really big will cause physical changes that i don’t want to deal and to save his pride/not hurt his feelings or offend him.

we have been over the subject at least 1001 times. i have told him at least 1001 times that i don’t have any longing to be fucked by anything or anyone bigger than he is. that is the honest truth, too.

the concept of huge is sexy as hell, though. i know that Scott agrees with me on that point. sometimes in our play together, i will reach for or ask him to reach for one of our larger accessories. on those occasions, i do enjoy myself and the feeling i get from the toy, but a lot of that is just the thrill of being with Scott.

i have tricks that are considerably bigger than my choice in toys, and Scott knows about them. there are a couple of them who i would prefer not to continue to see again because they are so big. one of them was here today; so far i’ve been able to get him to pass on intercourse in favor of blowjobs everytime but once. intercourse with him isn’t fun. oral isn’t easy, either. the fact that i’m always a little strapped for cash when he wants to see me is a big motivator, but i think Scott would think that i’ve got some alterior motive.

just as i thought, writing this post has gotten me all pissed off and my blood pressure is through the roof over it. i have to step away from it for a bit, but i’ll try to come back. in the meantime, i’m open to any comment anyone would like to offer.

(thanks to Deliciously-Naughty for the photo of choice number one
and Eden Fantasys for the photo of choice number two.)