i never think about the rent until it comes due. sometimes i don’t even think about it then. more often than not, i lose track of the date until my landlord phones me with a “friendly reminder” that payment is expected and a “please tell me what time today i can hope to see you.” after that call, i start to think about the rent… i start thinking about the fact that i don’t have it… i start thinking that i need to think about turning another trick…
… sigh…
when i began working as a paid companion, Scott didn’t like the idea at all. our relationship was very new, though, and i wasn’t willing to depend on anyone else for my support, but i was at the end of my willingness to continue working as a dancer in so-called “gentlemen’s clubs.” there’s more to the story, but that’s for another time. the point–for this telling–is that we came to an understanding that i would earn my living as an “escort” and that i would always pay my own way.
in those early days, i felt as though i could physically and emotionally “handle” the demands of up to 15 or 20 visits a week. as it turns out, i never have carried a schedule of that volume… Scott wasn’t ready for that in the beginning and i eventually became complacent about my “work load.”
i used to spend much, if not most, of my “free time” scheming up marketing ideas and brilliantly subtle self-promotions… anything to drive men to my bed, mad with desire.
these days, i actually work very little; i think about my marketing strategy even less. in fact, the only time i really think about it at all is when my home phone rings–only my landlord uses that number.
that “friendly reminder” sends me first to my email, to tend the inbox that i’ve neglected for days in hopes that there will be a “when is your soonest availability” from someone (hopefully pleasant and “easy”) i’ve seen in the past. more often than not, i’ve got something working by the time i’ve processed the new mail, tossing out a few promising invitations in the meantime. whatever i do get working, i push for meeting as late in the day as possible–prolonging the unavoidable. usually, a bit of time with the email will cover the rent within 24 hours or so.
sometimes i phone the landlord: “i can’t make it to the bank today… will tomorrow be okay”? sometimes i make the landlord call me: “i was looking for you… what happened”?
dread pushes down on me until i feel as though my entire soul has been spread out upon the bare earth and baked in the sun as the time for the next session approaches. no matter how many hours i put before the agreed time, however, they fly past in jerking fits of motion until the time before is gone and the session is suddenly at hand.
unlike in the early days, Scott has now come to “comfortable” grips with how i earn my money. he doesn’t understand why i am so irritable leading up to a session. i can’t blame him for the confusion… once my tricks have been turned my mood is as light and bright as a ray from the sun through a cloudless sky…
after the rent is paid, i almost immediately spend whatever money i have left… a few dollars in the gas tank, a couple packs of smokes, a few groceries and sodas, a little chocolate, a trip to the bookstore… whatever i can afford. running out of any of these essentials has the same effect on me as that “friendly reminder” from my landlord and the process begins again.
i’m writing tonight because i was having trouble sleeping… i’m not worried about the rent–my landlord has been satisfied… but, my cupboard is bare, i’m a little hungry. when i wake up, the process will begin again. i guess that’s a good enough reason to not sleep.
i have, as Scott often reminds me, an unlimited potential to earn… i’m not reaching anything near my potential… i’m not really sure that i care anymore.
