e x p e r i e n c e d…

this post is one that i drafted months ago; the reason for not posting it when i wrote it is the fact that i was afraid that i might have been a little too close to the situation to see it clearly and that posting might have made one of our darkest moments even darker… so i’ve just been sitting on this draft for all this time.

as you probably know, Scott and i have really turned our relationship around for the better lately and that i think that’s a great thing. so you’re probably wondering why i am publishing this particular outburst when life is so good for me. the answer is that the past 36 hours or so have been fucking lousy, and i can’t post about our current issues due to the fact that the last week of april i gave up my life-long habit of writing purely negative content by letting negative situations find resolution before i start writing. so far, i’ve not written a single personal rant, so i feel like i’m succeeding with my intention, but really feel like venting right about now.

i am posting this draft now because, although the situation at the time i wrote this entry is as different from the past 36 or so hours as it could be… the emotion, however, seems just about identical. i know what you’re thinking… i’m thinking it, too, lets just try and pretend that my justification makes sense, okay? please?

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Scott won’t have sex with me. he says that i don’t do anything to show that i want to have sex. i’ve been asking him for it for days, but he just says that he doesn’t believe that i want it.

now i have a shitty attitude because i have a trick coming in about an hour. i DON’T want to fuck a fucking trick! i want to fuck my boyfriend.

today, i had about a thousand things (other than fuck Scott) that i wanted and/or needed to do… some of those things were left over from yesterday because Scott and i were fighting and i wasn’t able to do them. i didn’t get to any of those things today, because soon after we woke up, Scott sat down next to where i was working on the computer and typed asstr.org into the address bar of my browser then went to the search form and set up search parameters for me to follow. i was told to search “prostitute” and/or “hooker” and find a story that turned me on. so i dutifully searched for about an hour. i searched until i thought my eyes would bleed and my head would explode. i didn’t find squat that turned me on. every damn thing i tried to read just pissed me the fuck off because i just want to fuck Scott. eventually, i saved a few shitty stories to a flash drive to present to Scott. assignment completed.

not quite. he wanted to know what about each of the stories i found sexy. well, not a damn thing in any of them was marginally sexy. do you know why? because i wanted to fuck Scott; i didn’t want to read about some hooker fucking for money.

back to the drawing board.

i started the search again. after a few minutes, Scott turned the television to face me and began playing a video that he had downloaded. a mother fucking “brutal dildo” feature with some tiny girl shoving an enormous rubber cock into every available orafice. did it get me hot? not hardly, but what the hell… fake it until you make it, right? i stripped and grabbed a new vibrator that Scott bought for me, worked up some spit and went to work on myself, hoping that i could get worked up enough to get laid. when he realized what i was doing, he said i was selfish for keeping it all to myself, so i joined him on the sofa, thinking i would be getting laid soon.

when i didn’t get the result i was hoping for, i asked for it. i really thought i might get lucky when he told me to get on my knees and lean over the arm of the sofa.

wrong!

he didn’t fuck me. he just took over where i left off with another sex toy! when i had had all i could stand, he let me rest. i was completely unsatisfied and asked for his cock yet again. i still haven’t satisfied his desire to see me turned on, so i still haven’t had any dick.

i am infuriated, enraged and damn pissed off!! i’ve been that way all day. i’ve done none of the other things i wanted and/or needed to do because i am afraid he will see me not looking at porn or erotica and continue to not fuck me.

now i’ve got a fucking trick on the way and i sure as hell don’t want to fuck him. i know Scott will be pissed if i fuck this trick tonight. i want to cancel. i want to quit being a fucking whore. i want to fuck my fucking boyfriend!!!

Scott says that we can have a lot of fun living an all-sex-and-sexy lifestyle, but how the fuck is that going to happen if he won’t touch me with his dick?!

(i know this is a crappy post, but i’m pissed and just want some sympathy. please apply generously.)