Archive for December, 2006

starting over… a g a i n

{ December 24, 2006 @ 5:52 am } · { Scott, mistakes, prostitution, relationships }
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Scott and i have been talking. we have both been listening to what the other has to say. more importantly, we have both actually been hearing what the other has to say. that’s a big thing when a relationship is new and fresh, but it’s colossal when the relationship seems to be coming to a bitter end.

we’ve decided to try to truly put the past behind us and start fresh. we’re not forgetting the past, but we have agreed to look at it differently and learn from it… like a text book or case file or instruction manual. neither of us are going to live under the oppression of questions he didn’t know how to ask or answers that i didn’t know how to give and he didn’t know how to hear about how i felt about sessions or about this or that trick. from now on, we are both going to do things differently, more openly.

we are both going to take responsibility for doing things right this time.

o . n . e

{ December 23, 2006 @ 10:04 pm } · { grind, prostitution }
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i emailed the guy i had left waiting the night before to offer my remorse for standing him up and tell him that i was available if he was still interested in seeing me.

he responded that he was interested and asked me to call him. a quick phone call resulted in plans to meet at my incall one hour later for a one-hour visit. i called Scott and let him know that my rent was on the way. Scott didn’t show up at the incall like he had the night before.

i don’t set up sessions on the phone very often, and usually never hear a trick’s voice until he calls for final directions a few minutes prior to an introductory session. by the time we had settled on a time to meet, i had talked to this guy on the phone three or four times. Each time i called, he answered the phone with a clear, pleasant voice, but as soon as i identified myself, that tone would transform into a more husky, seductive (think “976″) tone. everything about that kind of attitude from a trick, especially one that tells me in his initial email that he’s an attractive executive, is usually an indication that the guy will be hoping or trying for discounts or freebies. but i’m a sucker for that tone. even though i know better than to give in to it, my voice would become more sultry to match his.

by the time i made the final call, i had made the mistake of creating a mental image of the guy and even started looking forward to the session that i had so dreaded the night before.

the guy who showed up at my door an hour later shattered my mental image. the guy standing in my incall was about 20 years older and 40 pounds lighter than the one in my imagination. oh, well. that’s what i get for exercising my imagination before meeting a trick…

he was freshly showered, so there was nothing to do but get started, so we talked for a minute or two in the living room before going to the bedroom. we undressed ourselves in turn, then got onto the bed. he didn’t use his phone voice the entire session, but i wished that he would. he showered me with compliments… too many compliments; it was unnerving and sounded insincere, but i tried to return them graciously. twenty minutes into the one-hour session, he enjoyed, or suffered through, his first orgasm courtesy of my mouth. he didn’t give it up easily.

after i had freshened him up a bit, there were more compliments while he recovered, then he wanted to play with me. i rolled onto my back and he sucked and nibbled on my nipples for a while, stroking my torso, then my legs, then moving his hand between them to rub my little, unimpressed “button.” He soon moved away from my tits to focus on the work he was doing with his hand and to talk dirty to me about it (still not using “the voice”), while i delivered an orgasmic performance of appreciation. then there was more cuddling and compliments, followed by another attempt to get him off, but our time ran out before that task was achieved.

he and i dressed, chatted a bit longer and i invited him to visit me again. he managed to say that he intended to come back while continuing to shower me with compliments until i opened the door for him to leave.

i have no doubt that he enjoyed himself. i have no doubt that he will return, probably soon. i just won’t fall for the 976 treatment next time.

b u t t e r f l y

{ December 23, 2006 @ 9:09 pm } · { Scott, mental health, prostitution, relationships }
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after i made my last post, i tidied up my incall, took a shower and called Scott. i told him that i was taking a session that i didn’t want to take. a few minutes later, while i was just sitting on the sofa, thinking about how much i didn’t want to call the trick, there was a knock on the door and Scott was on the other side.

i let him in.

we talked a little. at least i think we talked, but i can’t really remember the details… i was confused. at first, i thought that he had shown up just to prevent me from catching the trick. after a few minutes, Scott emptied his pockets onto the counter, just like he does when he’s getting ready to go to bed, he stripped to his shorts and made the announcement that he was going to bed. then he went to bed. i remained on the sofa until he suggested that i join him, then went to bed with him.

he took me into his arms and held me close to him. i love being in his arms. i love being close to him. i love when he calls me his baby girl and his angel… he called me both of those things, but i couldn’t relax. i could only worry. i worried about the trick, the rent and what i would do the next day when the landlord started calling. i worried about what Scott’s intentions were for being with me and holding me like he was.

was this just a slow torturous lead-in to sex? was he going to stay the night? was he just going to stay long enough to ensure that i couldn’t catch the trick, then leave me to worry about the rent on my own?

i finally managed to pull together enough nerve to ask if he wanted sex. there was no passion in the question. it was just an emotionless inquiry. he told me that sex wasn’t the reason that he was there. he told me not to worry about the rent… he wanted to see me smile.

i smiled for him.

we talked a little more about my worries and fears. he made me smile again. then he told me to go to sleep. i didn’t want to, but we turned out the light.

then we had sex. neither of us tried to stop it, but we didn’t dress it up with foreplay, either. simple. direct. missionary. intercourse. to completion. then he softly talked me through a meditation techique until i became a butterfly and fell asleep.

biting the b u l l e t

{ December 22, 2006 @ 3:32 am } · { grind, mental health, mistakes, prostitution }
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i haven’t turned a trick in a week. i haven’t wanted to. i haven’t wanted to in much longer than a week, but i have been to pay the rent and other things that require money. my rent was due today, but the $9 in my pocket wasn’t going to cover it…

there’s a trick, someone i’ve never met before, waiting on a call from me right now. waiting to hear from me so i can tell him where to meet me for a session in about a half hour. i haven’t showered. my place is a wreck. i don’t want to see this guy. i don’t want to shower. i can’t stop crying. i want to go to sleep.

i know i said i never want to sleep again, but i’ve done little else for the past few days (other than write in this blog).

i guess i have to bite the bullet and make the call whether i want to or not.

hearing e a c h o t h e r

{ December 21, 2006 @ 3:22 am } · { Scott, mental health, mistakes, prostitution, relationships, submission }
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in his blog, Not Just Another John, Doug talks about open communication and actually hearing his girlfriend, TG. the hearing part of communication is as vital to the exchange of thoughts, hopes, fears and ideas as the actual speaking of them.

not speaking my emotions or thoughts did a lot to cripple my relationship with Scott. i did try to tell him how i felt, what i thought, events that had occurred, but as time passed, i felt that he heard me less and less, or he heard what I had to say out of context. feeling that he didn’t hear me (not good), didn’t care what i had to say (worse) or that i would have to defend myself against my own words when they came back to me out of context (the worst) only made talking to him harder. it made not telling him what i needed him to know more painful. for both of us.

he’s not the only one that wasn’t hearing though. i am just as guilty of that as he was. we spent hours upon hours having “heart-to-heart” talks during which he would tell me that he needed me to do what he needed me to do. i would agree to do that, but i needed to know what he needed me to do and i didn’t. of course, there were specific things that i knew he needed from me… he needed me to talk to him, to tell him what his pride demanded to know about sessions, to have sex with him and make him feel like i did at the begining of our relationship, but he needed me to do those things without being told to do those things. that sounds easy enough, doesn’t it? all of our time that wasn’t consumed by my work, it seemed, was consumed by him telling me that he needed those things without telling me that he needed those things. that means that i couldn’t do those things immediately after he mentions them, so at the end of those conversations (usually when he would get tired of repeating the same thing over and over, tired of me saying little more than that i would do better or tired of cutting me off to ask “what’s your point?” when i would try to contribute more to the conversation) i would busy myself with this or that to pass a little time. unfortunately, while i busied myself, i would often end up getting an email from a trick wanting to come by for a fuck (actually, i’m more popular for sucking than for fucking, but you get the idea).

here’s the kicker for me… after i catch a session, i am totally amped, excited, maybe horny/maybe not, but i’m ready to fuck my man senseless. after i would catch, Scott would be sullen, moody or downright pissed off. he wouldn’t want to have sex (partly because he had taken to the habit of taking care of himself while i was taking care of my client), i would ask if he wanted to know about the session, and he would act disinterested and/or angry, so i would report the details (activities, number of times the guy got off, whether or not i got off, the guy’s “size”) quickly and without any emotion.

my session report was generally followed by another talk about what Scott needed me to do for him.

i know i was missing something he was saying. i don’t know how i could have done what he was asking if i didn’t know what he was asking.

but i don’t know where i went wrong, either.

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